


I Don’t Wanna Be You Anymore

by Moxley_Mox018



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Character Death, Dean broke seth, Evil Dean, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Reference, M/M, Rejection, Revenge, Sad Seth, Suicide Attempt, mentions of hospitalization, no happy endings here, pretty much just sad, this got pretty dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 23:12:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17272943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moxley_Mox018/pseuds/Moxley_Mox018
Summary: It had been a part of Dean’s plan all along to make Seth lose control, and to get revenge on him in the worst way. Little did he know that he was also pushing Seth to the point of no return.





	I Don’t Wanna Be You Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning*  
> there’s a suicide attempt here, so if it makes you uncomfortable, please don’t read!
> 
> Oh and first new work of the new year!  
> Hope you guys enjoy :)

“This is boring!”

“This is boring!”

“This is boring!”

Even in the faint light of the hotel bathroom, Seth could tell just how wrecked he looked. Sad brown eyes gazed into themselves through the glass as a broken sigh left his lips. His white knuckles ached from the death grip that he had on the edge of the counter. It had been the only thing keeping him up at this point.

“I heard every single thing they had to say, and that’s on me.”

“That’s on me.”

“That’s on me.”

 

His eyes squeezed shut tightly as hands loosened their grip before letting go of the counter completely. His knees buckled a little in disagreement, but he managed to keep upright. Now, his hands had settled for tangling into his dark, wavy hair, gripping a little too tight for comfort as his mind repeated itself. 

It was his fault. It was ALL his fault. He had let everyone down. He let the fans down. He let his family and friends down. He let himself down.

And that’s what hurt him almost as much as a certain Lunatic Fringe had.

Dean had done everything that he promised he’d do. He wormed his way inside of Seth’s head, he made him lose control, he took his intercontinental championship, but most importantly, he stole Seth’s beating heart right out of his chest. Everything that he had worked so hard to keep, to make sure wouldn’t ever happen, had happened. It was a living nightmare. And it was all his own fucking fault. 

“You did this!,” he yelled at the figure staring back at him in the mirror. “It’s your fault. Everything is always your fucking fault!”

Maybe if he had tried a little harder. Went to further measures to try and get back at Dean for what he had done to him. Or maybe even if he hadn’t ever expressed his true feelings to the older man in the first place, none of this would’ve ever happened. But of course, this was Seth Rollins we’re talking about, and Seth Rollins always managed to ruin EVERYTHING. 

His breathing had become heavier and more labored as he stared at himself through the glass. That’s if it was even him. He really didn’t even know himself anymore. The man staring back at him did not look like the Seth Rollins that was once the face of the WWE. Or the Seth Rollins that stole the show on RAW every Monday night. This man before him had a dead look in his brown eyes. As if he lost all the fight that had been left in him, and had been subjected to nothing more than an eternity filled with the pain of breaking down at least twice a day, voluntary isolation, and indescribable sadness.

Despite having talks upon talks with Roman about the whole situation and how it was truly Dean’s fault, Seth still blamed himself. Why wouldn’t he? He had been the stupid idiot that had caught feelings for a man that wanted absolutely nothing to do with him in the long run, but to fuck with his body and his head, and making his life a living hell.

Tears stung his eyes as he struggled to keep them at bay. Too many nights he had spent crying over Dean amongst other things that were utterly out of his control. He was determined not to let tonight be like one of those nights. That was until all the memories flooded into his mind. Memories of a night that he’d tried a million times to just forget. But they were like a sickness that he couldn’t seem to get rid of, no matter how many different remedies he’s tried or pills he’s taken.

 

—————flashback——————

 

Seth had always hated going out to bars. They were a little too over crowded and stuffy to him. Well that, and he had always preferred to drink in the safety of his own home or hotel room. That night was supposed to be different though. Or at least Dean had promised it would be. He was the one who talked him into coming after all. Turns out it had all been a HUGE mistake. 

“Even if I was gay, I’d never fuck someone like him, he looks like a fucking emo muppet,” Dean stated, words slurring together a bit as all their work friends around him erupted into a fit of laughter. “I can’t believe anyone would ever think I’d want someone like him. Because believe me, I’ve seen pictures of his dick, and it’s nothing really impressive if you ask me!”

Seth stood a few feet away from the group, in complete disbelief and embarrassment over what he had just heard. He hadn’t even been gone no more than ten minutes to get himself a new drink and to use the restroom, and this is what he comes back to? 

The glass that Seth had been clutching tightly in his fist, fell to the floor, smashing into hundreds of pieces while alerting the entire table of his presence. Everyone’s laughter had died down quickly at the sight of the pained look on Seth’s handsome face. Well, everyone’s except Dean’s. In fact, the smirk that he wore only seemed to grow in size. 

“That’s all I am to you?” Seth had asked, his voice shaking. 

“Well yeah, what did you think we were? In love? Boyfriends? Fuck buddies?,” Dean laughed as he mocked him, knocking back the rest of the whiskey in his glass.

“Dean.. You’ve literally told me for months that you loved me. You called me every single day you were at home from your injury because you claimed you “missed me”,” Seth choked out, fighting his tears. “Why are you acting like there isn’t a problem here?!”

No one dared to speak a word as Dean stared up at Seth, face void of any emotion. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he finally decided to answer, pushing his glass away and standing up from his seat. “But I suggest you just drop it, like you seem to drop everything else.”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about Dean!,” Seth yelled. “Or do you not want everyone to know that you’ve been fucking me since we reunited last year! That all my free time was spent at your place in Vegas, treating you like some kind of a fucking king! Only for you to go and treat me like this? What did I ever do?”

He knew he had struck a nerve when he seen Dean’s lip twitch. The auburn haired male wasted no time in getting up in Seth’s face, his hot breath mixing in with his own as he grabbed ahold of the collar of Seth’s t-shirt.

“I SAID that I suggest you quit fucking talking before I make you..,” Dean said, loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear. “You were fun while you lasted. A good hole to fuck when I needed it. I can see why Hunter wanted a little slut like you.”

Seth’s jaw dropped as he took in every word Dean said. 

“You don’t and never will mean anything more to me than that. You’re nothing but a slut Seth. You were never my brother, and you never will be. So get that in your head now, pal. Because whatever this was between us? It’s fucking over and done with now. You mean nothing to me because that’s exactly what you are.. nothing.”

The tears really started to fall then. Seth didn’t have the heart to fight with Dean either, especially after that kind of proclamation. He never did and he probably never would. What he really wanted to do though, was hide. His face burned from the embarrassment of having everyone’s eyes on him that just happened to be in the bar at the time. The Internet was most definitely going to know of this by tomorrow morning and that made it even worse. 

So he did what he thought was best and turned on his heels, walking back out the way that he came and away from the man who he thought was his home. 

The next week on RAW, he found himself eating the mat as Dean gave him a dirty deeds, permanently ending everything between them. 

 

——————end of flashback——————-

 

Seth wished that Dean knew just how much his words had truly hurt him. He grew up being ridiculed for the gender that he found interest in. The kids in school harassed him to no end, making kissy faces at him in the halls, throwing paper balls at him, and leaving him notes to “kill himself” in his locker. 

That night after he received that note, he did try. He waited until his family was in bed for the night before proceeding to swallow a handful of the sleeping pills that his dad took on occasion. He had been tired of the constant harassment, tired of feeling like he wasn’t good enough, but really he was just tired of himself. 

Life wasn’t willing to let Seth give up that easily though. Not even five minutes after swallowing down his handful of pills, he chickened out, racing into his parents room to shake them awake. 

As time progressed, things had eventually gotten better. The time in the hospital had helped Seth find himself again, and gain more confidence in the things that he did. The kids that had bullied him, had seen the light, and one by one, apologized to him for pushing him to his breaking point. He had started to fit in again. People had grown to be more understanding towards him and others like him. 

These times were different now. He wasn’t that scared teenager anymore. His parents were states away, now separated to be with other people. Seth still heavily regretted what he did to them that night. He never wanted to put them through that kind of pain again. So he sucked it up, pretending there was nothing wrong when in truth, he felt like he was dying inside all over again. 

The man that he had loved more than anything in this entire universe tore his heart right out of his chest and ripped it to shreds in front of his eyes. The embarrassment that he had endured that night in the bar had nothing on the bitter feeling of heartbreak that lingered on weeks later.

He was having a hard time registering that fact that he had been played for months. With love proclamations and promises that he and Seth were forever, it was easy for his mind to start to believe him. That and Seth had a weak mind. He always had. Dean wasn’t that type of guy to betray the ones that he loved and was close to. He expressed it many times during nights that they had been relaxing in Roman’s room. The best explanation that Seth could come up with, was that Dean’s thoughts had changed after Seth had been the one to betray them. 

It had made complete sense in his mind that messing around with Seth was all a part in Dean’s plan for the ultimate revenge. 

And it was working..

“I don’t wanna be you anymore,” Seth mumbled to the man in the mirror before his eyes focused on the pill bottle sitting on the counter, anxiously awaiting him to make a move. 

He’s been through heartbreak before, but this? This was so much worse than anything he’s ever experienced before. Dean had been right after all. Without all the fame and fortune that the WWE had supplied him with, he really was nothing. Nothing more than a wreck living inside the shell of a man who seemed like he had his shit together. 

It was easy to put on a strong face for millions of people that didn’t know much about you. Other than the things that were out there for them to know. The fans may have known his real name, his face, his birthday, where he grew up, the type of music he liked to listen to, but they didn’t know anything about the person that he really was. 

They didn’t know about the countless nights that he cried himself to sleep as both a kid and an adult. They didn’t know about the bullying that he endured during when he was a teen and when he was with the authority. They didn’t know about his suicide attempt, or about the time that he spent time in the hospital because of it. They didn’t know about the love that he had for Dean. So in reality, they didn’t know shit about him except the basics.

They would know in some form how he had died though. 

News of his death was sure to spread across the world like wildfire. But only he would know how he had spent his last minutes. Only he would know how dark the world felt around him as he lost consciousness. And only he (and maybe Roman) would know what had really pushed him to it. 

Shaky hands turned on the faucet as he struggled to fill a cup with water. He could’ve sworn the bottle smiled at him as he picked it up off the counter, proceeding to pop the lid off. 

He sucked in a deep breath of air before beginning his pattern. A mouthful of pills, a sip of water, then swallow. Another mouthful of pills, another sip of water, then swallow. After about four cycles, he finally gave up, retreating to his bed to wait out the inevitable. 

The sheets felt soft against his worn body, the softest that they felt in a long time. It almost made him wish that he had someone to enjoy them with.. maybe even to enjoy his last moments with. 

As the world started to become hazy and unfocused around him, moments from his life had started to flash before his eyes. He had seen himself as a kid, cuddled up in his mom’s arms. The first place he had ever called home. Then it flashed forward to him as a teen, walking down the hallway at school as paper balls flew in his direction. The next one featured him meeting Dean and Roman, then swinging the chair into the both of their backs. All the way through each of his memories, including the night at the bar. 

The last thing that flashed through his mind before everything had went completely black, was the once warm and inviting smile of Dean Ambrose. The man that had claimed to love him. The man whom he had loved more than he ever thought was capable, but also the man that had destroyed him beyond repair. The last breath breath that he took was hinted with sadness. 

Finally, he was at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of updating an actual story, I pulled this out of the darkest pit of my mind. Along with some help from Billie Eilish’s song “idontwannabeyouanymore”. Comments are really appreciated, friends. Kudos too :)


End file.
